Funny Sex Toy Reviews on Amazon
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Mum's hilariously honest Amazon review causes sex toy to sell out
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Amazon reviews can make or break a product. We've all stopped looking at an item online that has a long, drawn-out negative review with a one-star rating.
But none of us could have predicted the incredible effect an overwhelmingly positive review would have on the Clitoral Sucking Vibrator, a sex toy sold by Tracy's Dog on Amazon.
The review got an incredible 4,000 likes and the vibrator completely sold out soon afterwards.
So, what did Amazon user @Express7976 actually say?
Tracy's Dog vibrator
First, like all pros, she delved into her expectations for the sex toy:
'Having read everyone's reviews, I had high expectations, but with the price being under 50 dollars, I wasn't exactly going to be shocked if it was mediocre.'
Seems innocent enough, right? Let's keep going:
'A few friends of mine bought it recently, and told me of its power. I was warned to take the day off, hydrate, and above all do some stretches. I thought they were being such drama queens.
'It was delivered within 2 days of ordering, so it's already off to a good start. Opening the very discreet box, instructions say 2.5 hour charge time. Not too bad, I plug this lil bad boy in.
'While the kids are at school waiting for it to charge, killing time reading some erotica my friend and fellow queenie, recommended because I don't have time to screw around waiting to get into "the mood". I have to get the kids in a few hours and I need to be ready to go when this thing is done charging. Tik tok b!tch, tik tok welcome to motherhood.
'"Patiently waiting" me is checking to see if the light has stopped blinking every 10 minutes like a crackhead waiting for his dealer.. After only and hour and a half, solid pink light.
'Game on.'
Amazon sex toy review
The anonymous mum then went into the nitty gritty of the 'fine machinery'. She first played around with the settings:
'The vibration for the g spot part is quite strong, I was impressed with with that even before use. Next was suction. So many levels it was interesting to see the different patterns and strength.
'There are 10 levels for clitoral and 10 patterns for [the] G spot. I've never used a clit suction type stimulator, so I have nothing to compare it to, but looked forward to it none the less.'
Having tested it out, she decided it was 'time to solo party'.
She wrote: 'I found placement for the clit a bit low for my body shape, it took me a few min to get everything where it needed to be. That was a bit time consuming and slightly frustrating. But as with any new toy, its trial and error.
'I started the clit one on low, which I barely even felt. Unbeknownst to me it wasn't lined up 100%. So, me being me, I decide to go from zero to 60 in 3.5 [seconds]. I hit the suction button setting to level 5 or 6 and hit the G spot button as well. And made a minor adjustment on suction placement.
'At least I think that's what happened, because I'm pretty sure I blacked out.
'My legs went straight out like those goats who faint when scared.'
Amazon sex toy review
She continued: 'I never came so fast and so hard in my life. I squirted, I have NEVER DONE THAT. (Luckily I put a towel down cause I hate wet spots)
'I frantically tried to turn it off, but ended up hitting the buttons like a maniac, sending to even stronger suction and now variant pulses from the G spot vibrator. And came, again. I'm pretty sure I levitated. It was an unending orgasm.
'This time, my soul left me, and God himself said "child, it is not your time, go back to the lil pink light." (Mind you, I'm agnostic.)'
Luckily, she floated back down after her divine experience:
'I'm brought back into my earthly body after managing to pull it off me throwing it across my bed, it falls to the floor, still buzzing happily away.
'I shook for a good 5 minutes, I couldn't get up off the bed if even wanted to. I stared at my ceiling dazed trying to remember who I am and what year is this.'
Unfortunately for her, she didn't take her friends' warnings on stretching beforehand seriously, as she soon realised she'd hurt her hip and back.
She said: 'I'm still hobbling 4 hours later, I did not stretch enough. So in conclusion, this met and exceeded expectations.'
The anonymous mum ended her hilarious review with a gentle warning of her own: 'Hydrate, make sure you don't have to do anything that involves decisions or brainpower for the rest of the day.
'And for the love of god, stretch like you are about to run the 500 meter dash.'
She wasn't the only one who had amazing things to say about the sex toy as 83% of the reviews given were five star:
'Holy mother of God, this small sleek toy is an amazingly wonderful powerhouse.' @Wendyzapfe
'Holy sweet baby Jesus! Every single woman needs this in her life.' @JessicaHadaway
'I just got mine in the mail today and let's just say...I'm already in love. This thing is a GAME CHANGER.' @maddog
You can buy the vibrator here at Amazon UK.
If you have a smaller budget, you can find a great, cheaper alternative model here.
Do you have a sex toy you swear by? Would you buy this one? Share your thoughts and opinions in the chat thread, below.
Read on:
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Source: https://www.netmums.com/reviews/whats-new/one-mums-very-honest-and-hilarious-amazon-review
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